I didn’t smile even on realizing how funny it was to stare at the shiny small bottle and think of the consequences. After all, it’s the knowledge of the consequences that brought that dark liquid in my hand. But that consequence I was seeking and knew would be coming sooner, was something I had been secretly wanting for days, may be for weeks, may be for months. I stopped keeping track of date and time long back, since the day it stopped to matter. Soon it would even lose its relevance. Soon, when I kneel down staring at those deep eyes surrendering to its unconquerable force and eternal calm, everything would just stop making sense. I was waiting for this night, for this liberating moment so long! Summoning up courage, shedding all the fears, trying to forget things which were holding me back, every moment I was preparing myself just for this moment right now, right here. 

But now as I stared at the shiny bottle appreciating the brilliance of the color of the liquid inside, I was amazed to find myself wondering how it would taste. Did it matter? May be it did. There’s always a thing about the first and the last times. The first kiss, the first walk, the last ride together. And it was going to be the last thing I would ever taste. Shouldn’t it matter? What would it do to my body? Would my stomach ache? Would I vomit? Or would I go numb instantaneously? I had seen this in movies, ghastly images of faces covered with thick saliva, blood red eyes bulging outside as the character hold his or her throat as if something had got stuck inside and crumbled to the floor helpless. I had a feeling that they always exaggerate things in the movies. Death couldn’t be so painful and ghastly. I knew it would be just as pleasurable as waking up in a fresh morning after a good night’s sleep. But what if what they show in the movies was true. It must be painful. But on afterthought, I knew it didn’t matter. 

I could hear the dogs barking outside. Sometimes I thought even those stray dogs had a better life than me. They had nothing to worry about except eating and lying down somewhere and picking up a fight with other dogs occasionally. Could life be simpler? May be that was the key to happiness. Simplicity! The less you want, the less you need and the less you suffer from the pain of failure. And that pain, that sense of dejection and the inseparable frustration that accompanied my thoughts every moment, was the reason for me sitting there with that small bottle, waiting for the moment. 

The dogs started barking again, bringing me back to reality. I slowly looked up to see through the window to the world outside. Dark and calm, just the way I love it.  Compulsively, I walked up to the widow. The cold breeze hit me gently. The road outside was deserted, except for the strays. The bugs circling around the street lights, the leaves on the trees were so black. May be I should take a little walk for the last time! 

The stray dogs’ half hearted barking greeted me on the road. My hands were inside my jacket pockets, with the right hand still holding that small bottle. I kept walking without any destination in mind. The road markers, the sign boards, the glossy billboards, the tall buildings, my eyes saw everything but my mind refused to recognize. I didn’t know why I was walking, may be just waiting for the moment. And I didn’t know how long I had walked when I suddenly found myself in a park slowly being invaded by joggers and the blue clear sky above me. It dawned on me that I had been walking too long and it was time to go back and finish the job. Let’s do it! I told myself and turned back. 

As soon as I turned back and started walking I stumbled on something and fell down on my face. A stick rolled down on the road a few feet and I saw another man fall down on his back on the road. I hurt my left hand badly. And the first thing I checked upon slowly getting back on my feet was that the bottle was still intact. 

“I am sorry! Did you fell down?” – I heard the guy still sitting on the road say. 

Was that supposed to be funny?

“Didn’t you just see that? Are you blind?”  - I was in no mood for a joke.

“Yes! I am!” 

It took me a while to register the words! And then when I looked around, it all started to make sense. The stick, the thick black glass he was wearing and which was now tilted aside from the fall, everything pointed towards the harshness in my voice. After a long time I felt sorry for something I had said. 

“Sorry! I didn’t realize that!” – I picked up his stick and helped him stand up. 

“Don’t bother! Happens to me all the time.” –He said with a smile on his face while adjusting his spectacles.

 “Are you hurt?” 

“Not much! I guess I would just sit down somewhere for a while.” 

“Here, let me help you! “ -  I hold his hand heading for the wooden bench nearby, still ashamed of hurting him. He didn’t object. 

I was about to say sorry to him once again and turn back after he was comfortably sitting on the bench, when he spoke. 

“Do you come here everyday?” 

 C’mon! I don’t need a conversation now. I have jobs to take care of. I told myself to shut up and just get out of there. But there was something in his smile directed towards where he imagined I was and that together with my guilt conscious made me speak. 

“Sometimes!” 

“I come here everyday! Spending one hour here in the morning gives me all the fresh air I need for the full day!” 

I smiled unable to think up any lines. 

“Are you hurt too badly?” 

“No!” – I said looking at my bleeding left arm. 

“Where am I sitting?” – Out of the blue he asked an awkward question. 

 

“On a bench near a big cactus” – an equally awkward answer.

“The cactus with a human like shape? You know the two small branches spreading like two arms?” 

I had been to this park quite a few times and sat on that bench several times too. But honestly it was the first time I noticed that strange analogy of that cactus to a human being. 

“Yes! How do you ...” 

“I know! I had not been blind forever! I knew each and every trees and rocks here. I still know, just can’t see them.” 

“How did ... if you don’t mind me asking  ...” 

“Car accident! Three years ago. My wife died on the spot. And I couldn’t even see her dead body!” 

“I am sorry! Must have been very hard for you” 

“It was! The hardest part was to learn to live in this new way of life. I was transformed to a child once again learning to walk, learning to recognize things and everything else. But life’s a great teacher” 

“Life’s not fair!” – I knew it better.

“I used to think like that in the beginning. I spent long nights weeping alone cursing anything and everything I could think of for my misery. But slowly I learnt that everything was part of life. How’d you know what happiness is if you were never unhappy? Beyond the miseries of life is the happiness we long for.” 

“What happiness? Don’t you wish that you weren’t blind?” – I was becoming restless and didn’t think if my words were harsh. May be they were, as he went into a few moments of silence before speaking again. 

“I do! But I can’t do anything about it right? Just like I can’t bring my wife back to life! But life has taught me its ways. Life throws challenges at you and fighting it out gives you the happiness you seek. But most of us just want to escape from them.” 

“You sound like a philosopher.” –I was in no mood to be lectured on life at the moment. 

“I don’t know!” – He smiled again. “It’s just my own experience. You know why I asked you about where I am sitting now? Because when I set out of my house every morning I count my steps to know where I am. That’s how I know from where I am sitting now its exactly seventy two steps towards right to the gate. It’s the new way I had to learn. And once I miss on my count I have to ask someone where I am. May sound funny to you, but to me, it’s about my survival.” 

May be I should just leave. I thought. He was getting onto my nerves now. But he wouldn’t stop. 

“When I could see, I used to admire the bright red flowers you can see on the big trees just to the left. I used to wonder at the squirrels climbing up and down the tree, the fresh new leaves were a beauty to behold. Now I can’t see them anymore. But I know its still there. I have those memories which nothing can take back from me. I can’t see the birds frolic the trees now, but I enjoy their chirping. Just like I enjoy listening to the rain, have you ever listened to the rain?” 

I am not crazy, thank you!

“I never did when I wasn’t blind. I just used to watch it. But now I listen to the rain. Trust me it’s a divine experience. The most melodious song you would ever hear. Sometimes I feel I experience things which normal people never can. Ironically it makes me feel better.” 

I couldn’t stand there anymore. My mind was fast traveling between two worlds already. The world lingering inside my dark room, legacy of which I was carrying still in my pocket and the world the blind man described to me. No I have never listened to the rain, I have always watched it. Bird’s chirping was something I never paid any attention to. Could those things be so beautiful? How can a lonely blind man be so full of life and hope when I am on the verge of ending it? “Beyond the miseries of life is the happiness we long for.” The things he said echoed in my mind. Was I too weak to find a way through my miseries? Was I too blind to see that life was in fact beautiful? More blind than the blind man in the park?

I spent a long time standing there watching the surroundings, the trees, joggers, elderly couples walking leisurely, kids playing around with their mothers constantly on their trail. Something was happening to me. For the first time I was seeing things differently. Everything looked so refreshing and full of life.

I don’t know how some people can affect your life the way that blind man did to mine, but when I walked out of the gate of the park that morning, exactly fifty three steps for me from where I started counting, the shiny small bottle was no longer with me. And I was badly wishing it rained soon so I could close my eyes and listen to it.